


Moon Gazer

by dianna44



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Brain Tumor/Cancer, Cruelty, Crying, Dark, Depression, Hallucinations, Headaches & Migraines, M/M, Mental Disintegration, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital AU!, Mental Institutions, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizophrenia, Seizures, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, Violent Outbursts, Vomiting, depictions of self-inflicted injuries, don't read this if you like being happy, moon/star/sun references and metaphors galore, no seriously this is pretty dark I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:25:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4988323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"By this time, Harry has come to two conclusions. One: The boy is even more beautiful up close. Two: He really and most assuredly is “off his fookin rocker”."</p><p>mental hospital au. they're all deteriorating, but harry and louis still can't help falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moon Gazer

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank y'all for reading my reading this absolute piece of trash. I've been working on it a while (because I don't know what consistency is and can't work on my other WIPs oopsies).
> 
> Hopefully, you enjoy this. :)
> 
> also: the lovely hisptalou translated this into Russian!! Check it [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3914637)

Apparently, there was a new patient today. Harry doesn’t know what to think about it except for how much he doesn’t really care.

“Hear about the new patient?” Zayn grunts from his chair, cigarette propped between his teeth, eyes dark and hazy, probably from all the medicine they got him on.

“No?” responds Harry. “What about it?”

“Heard he’s crazy,” Zayn informs him matter-of-factly. Harry picks at his arm.

“We’re all crazy. It’s a madhouse, Z,” Harry scoffs. Zayn just shakes his head.

“Nah. I’m not talking about how we are. I’m talkin…like proper crazy, ya know? Off his fookin rocker, he is,” Zayn says.

“Well, it doesn’t matter to me. As long as he doesn’t bother me, I don’t really care,” Harry says. Zayn huffs and brings his leg up on the table they’re not allowed to put their legs on. No one notices of course. Harry studies the way Sam stretches on her yoga mat on the ground wondering if she thinks the newcomer is “off his fookin rocker” as well.

Whatever.

**☪☪**

The new patient’s name is still unknown and since he’s been here, no one has stopped talking about him, which Harry supposes does make sense as it has been almost three years since they’ve gotten a new patient, the last one being Harry himself. Harry caught sight of him while he was on his mop rounds in the men’s dormitories and he remembers feeling his throat catch.

The newbie was pretty beautiful apparently, and Harry kind of really wanted to meet him.

Which he did.

Just ninety-eight minutes later.

“Watch yerself,” mutters a lightly high voice as Harry runs straight into a body infinitely smaller than his.

“Oh, I’m so—oh, you,” Harry breaks off when he catches sight of the boy.

“Louie,” the boy says before adding, “‘s spelled like L-O-U-I-S.”

“Uhm oka—”

“Me last name’s Tomlinson. Call me Tommo if you’d like,” Louis continues on to say.

“Oh, I’m Ha—”

“Do ya happen to know where the loo is? I’m fookin dyin ‘ere,” Louis rambles on.

“Uh yeah, it’s ove—”

“Shit, sorry that I’m mutterin stupid shit. It’s a habit. Well, me mum called it a curse, but what does she know ‘bout that? It’s not like anything is wrong with ‘er. Completely sane that one is. At least, accordin to the doctors. I don’t know. Crazy, innit?”

By this time, Harry has come to two conclusions. One: The boy is even more beautiful up close. Two: He really and most assuredly is “off his fookin rocker”.

Harry can only nod. “Yeah, most def—”

Louis curses again, a loud ‘fuck’ echoing off the walls of the depressing hallway. “Sorry sorry. Haven’t yet gotten to takin me medicine today. It’s always bad when I forget, but I ‘ad to leave, you see. I ‘ad to leave because I really needed to go to the fookin loo, but now I can’t even find it, but to do that, I ‘ad to skip me medicine tonight. I can’t take it later on because it’ll screw up me schedule, and well, I really don’t want that, now do I? Did you say that loo was thataway? Thanks. See you later, Curly,” Louis breathes out before breaking off in an incredibly fast sprint toward the opposite direction of the loo. Harry lets out a breath he hadn’t even been aware he had been holding.

Off his fookin rocker indeed.

**☪☪**

“There he is,” Zayn points out when Louis walks into the cafeteria during dinner. Harry’s gaze instantly falls on him and he just blinks a few times.

“Yeah. I met him earlier. You were right. Insanity has cursed the poor mortal,” Harry sighs dramatically. Zayn laughs for a moment.

“When am I wrong, Hazza?”

Harry rolls his eyes. “All the time? Remember when you were convinced that Liam was actually a cop in disguise?” Zayn got instantly quiet and Harry mentally cursed himself, but before he could apologize, Zayn responded.

“That was one time, Harry. Lay off, would ya?” Zayn mutters into his warm glass of water. Harry just sighs and looks back at Louis, who’s in line for food. His foot is tapping against the floor constantly and he looks slightly jumpy. Harry figures he probably has some rare case of ADHD or something. Nobody with major problems really ever come here. That’s reserved for a different hospital ward. Somewhere on the east side, Harry thinks.

Harry focuses his attention back on the boy for a few more moments before finally deciding to just get on with his life and get back to his lame ass food.

At least he was going to do that before Louis sat himself down right beside Harry. Zayn looks momentarily stumped before letting out a large grin.

“Forget to mention the part where you two were friends, Haz?” Zayn asks.

Harry opens his mouth to say something, but Louis beats him to it. “We aren’t friends. I don’t even know the lad’s name. Now ‘ow can we be friends if I don’t even know his name?”

“What if I know your name?” Harry cuts in, trying not to mention how different Louis seems.

“Then I guess you’d believe we’re friends, but that can’t be until I know your name as well. Haz, was it?”

“Harry Styles,” Harry corrects him. Louis gives him a bright smile.

“So, a name fit for a pop star. You got the name. You got the looks. Hell, you even got the curls. Is that what you wanna be? A pop star?” Louis asks, his questions coming a million miles a minute. Harry can’t tell if he’s teasing or not.

“Not particularly,” Harry smiles. Louis’ grin widens.

“So, what _does_ Harry Styles wanna be? A porn star perhaps?”

Harry laughs. “I did consider that, but I figured it was too high class for my kind of tastes.” Louis arches a perfect eyebrow.

“Oh? And what kind of tastes would that be?”

“I quite like baking,” Harry responds.

“You could always bake and take. Or are you a bottom?”

Harry is biting his lip now. “Both,” he answers honestly, not looking away from Louis’s gaze. Louis’ eyes light up at that.

“How convenient that we’re both versatile then,” Louis drawls. Harry doesn’t say anything at that except blush, and it seems Zayn wanted to join in as well.

“Okay, well, if you two would like to stop having eye sex with each other, I’m Zayn. Nice to meet ya, Louis. Heard you were crazy,” Zayn states, reaching his hand over to Louis’ to shake. Louis laughs.

“Schizophrenic actually. Nice to meet you too,” he responds, and well…whoa. Zayn visibly freezes and Harry’s breath hitches. Schizophrenic? What the fuck? Why is he here? That’s a pretty major problem to have so why is he here?

“O-oh,” Zayn stammers.

Louis laughs again as if he didn’t just drop a major bombshell on them. “It’s whatever, mate. Really. Don’t concern yourself with my trivial little life details. What’re you in here for then?”

Zayn’s eyes darken for a brief moment and Harry’s grip on his cup tightens.

“Too many things to count,” Zayn finally quips, and Louis nods understandingly. He looks to Harry.

“Don’t suppose you’re gonna tell me either?”

Harry purses his lips. “Not today, Louis.”

Louis sighs. “Shame. Was rather looking forward to talking about depressing things. So, now tell me. Favorite superheroes?”

**☪☪**

Louis quickly became a part of Zayn and Harry’s “Against the World; For Ourselves” group, his presence becoming so familiar it seemed there wasn’t a time when the boy wasn’t there.

Every morning and every night they all took their pills absentmindedly, too busy being focused on the conversations that erupted from their minds than to realize where they were and why they were there.

That is, until Zayn had another freak out nine days after Louis’ arrival. Harry heard him first, the screams and the desperate pounding on the door as he pleaded with Death to return Liam back to him. Harry managed to pick his lock and run to Zayn’s room, where Zayn was sobbing against the wall, hands bleeding and eyes red-rimmed and devastated. Soon after, the nurses came rushing in, pulling Harry out and ordering him back to his room.

All of the patients were watching from the windows in their doors and as Harry dejectedly walked back to his room, his sight caught Louis’ who looked terrified. For what, Harry didn’t know.

Harry couldn’t fall asleep that night and when morning came around, Louis snuck into his room and cuddled up next to him before bursting into tears, his hands grabbing onto Harry’s shirt. Harry cried too because how could he not because how could he not think of his own family, his own losses, his own problems, when his best friend was suicidal to return to his lost lover. How could he not when Louis was sobbing his heart away against his chest?

How could he not feel all the pain in the world when the most beautiful boy he had ever seen was sobbing as if the world abandoned him just like it did for Harry?

**☪☪**

Louis never seemed to let go of Harry after that. They slept in the same bed now after four endless days of Louis screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night until the nurses finally discovered that Louis sleeping with Harry had him out like a light. Zayn returned to their group six days after his hallucinatory, panic attack, and smiled like nothing happened at all. Harry and Louis managed to go along with it.

“Say, Harry, moon or stars?” Louis suddenly asks, making sure to wait just as Harry had taken a bite. Harry quickly swallows.

“Both?” Harry tries.

Louis clicks his tongue. “One or the other, Hazza, dear,” he scolds.

Harry huffs. “Fine, then. Moon.” Louis seems pleased with his answer.

“You, Zaynie?” he asks the silent boy. Zayn’s eyes flicker up to meet Louis’.

“Stars,” he says. Louis nods thoughtfully, but doesn’t say anything in response. Harry kicks at his leg under the table.

“What about you, then? Moon or stars?”

Louis bites his lips and gets a faraway look in his eyes. Harry wonders what he’s thinking about. Finally, Louis just vaguely responds with, “Not sure yet.”

Harry doesn’t ask again after that.

**☪☪**

“GET THE FOOK AWAY FROM ME, ‘ARRY!” Louis’ screaming, shouting, cursing at the top of his lungs, thrashing in Harry’s arms. Harry startles awake, shooting out of bed and staring down at Louis who is glaring daggers at him.

“I ‘ATE YOU! I FOOKIN ‘ATE YOU! PLEASE!” Louis’ sobbing, hands ripping at his head and his entire body shaking before he finally goes completely silent, and Harry doesn’t know what to do. He stands there for another moment before he hears footsteps running down the hallway, and the door is whipped open by one of the nurses. Harry doesn’t know what to do. Louis is just sitting there, staring at him like he doesn’t know him, and the nurses call for something, and he thinks they’re talking to him, but all Harry can focus on is that faraway look in Louis’ eyes.

Finally, Harry just leaves. He goes to the bathroom and locks himself in one of the stalls for three hours. He wishes he had a marker to write down the memories he’d like to forget.

**☪☪**

“I have a headache,” Louis’ complaining loudly four days later, and Harry can just give a strained smile.

“Take some medicine then,” Zayn tonelessly suggests. Louis ignores him.

“Like, how can my head even have so much pain in it? Doesn’t even make any fookin sense,” he sighs dramatically. Harry just nods, and Louis glares at him, pinching his arm. “Pay attention to me!” Louis exclaims, shifting closer to him and laying his head on Harry’s shoulder.

Harry just blinks. He wonders if the moon ever gets tired of the sun shining on him. Before he can even come up with some semblance of an answer, Louis’ face is right there, blue eyes piercing into his own, and suddenly, Louis is leaning forward and pressing his lips to Harry’s.

Harry’s first thoughts are, _No, the moon never gets tired of the sun._ Louis feels like fire and caramel apples that were a little burned somehow and running in the park while laughing and screaming at the top of your lungs and trying out for the footie team and failing but getting “you’re still a lovely boy” ice-cream from his mum, and Harry never ever wants Louis to pull back.

Louis does, however, and pecks his nose with another soft kiss before whispering so softly that only Harry can hear, “I only ever want your attention, Harry.”

Harry blinks, long and slow, and as Louis pulls away, Harry catches the lost look on Zayn, who Harry thinks, if he had known him before Liam or during Liam, would’ve smirked knowingly at them, but now all Harry can see is loss and pain.

“Well,” Harry coughs. “Uhm—yes, okay.” Louis gives him another soft smile and leans in, cuddling into Harry’s neck.

Harry never wants him to stop.

**☪☪**

“Where’s Louis?” Harry asks the nurse, who is currently tidying up his room. She flinches, and Harry tries his best not to notice.

“Mr. Tomlinson is currently being detained, Mr. Styles. You will see him again soon, I promise,” she informs him, but before Harry could ask what the hell that meant, she was already closing the door behind her. Harry stares at the door for a brief second and sucks in a strained breath.

He’s detained. He’s detained. He’s detained for what? What did he do? He sits down on his bed, and stares down at his hands. Oh no oh no oh no oh no.

Harry wants to kill himself. He blinks back tears as memories of Gemma’s smiling face and his mum’s laughter fill the crevice of his mind. He can’t do this without them. He can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t please just let him go home please please please please.

It seems too easy for Harry to stand up and walk toward the loo. It seems too easy as he smashes his fist into the mirror, realizing but not really feeling the pain shoot up from his hand, as broken pieces of glass fall to the ground, shattering on impact. He punches again and gets a larger piece stuck in his fist this time. It should hurt, he realizes, but it doesn’t. Nothing can even compare to the hurt he felt all those years ago.

He grips the larger piece of glass in his hand and stares at himself in the broken mirror. Shit shit shit shit shit shit what will his mother say when she sees him after school?

Wait.

Wait, no, that’s not how it is anymore.

Harry brings the glass up to his throat, pressing it lightly against his skin.

That’s not how it’s ever going to be anymore.

Suddenly, three things happen: there’s a crash at the door, Harry turns his head, and after feeling an excruciating pain, the whole world has become the darker side of his very own moon.

**☪☪**

Harry’s neck hurts and he has a pretty good idea as to why. His eyes blink open and he finds himself in an actual hospital, alone. It appears to be sometime incredibly early in the morning and when he notices the clock stating that it’s four twenty-seven in the morning, he realizes he really does wake up at the most inconvenient of times. It’s not like he hasn’t experienced this before.

Staring at the ceiling, he sighs, immediately feeling pain in his neck and he mentally curses. Why did he do it? Why did he have to go and do that? He heaves a heavy sigh, trying his best to ignore the pain, and purses his lips.

How long has he been here? Is Louis okay? Is Zayn okay?

Fuck.

Is _he_ okay?

(No.

    Harry most definitely is not.)

**☪☪**

“Mr. Styles,” is the first thing the hospital nurse says at precisely eight in the morning. Harry gives her a strained nod. “How do you feel?”

“Hurts like shit to be honest,” Harry grunts out. She chuckles and does something to his IV.

“Well, honesty is always good. So, I’m just going to put you to sleep for a few hours and around twelve or so, a doctor is going to come in and ask you some questions. Does that sound good?”

Harry didn’t even get the chance to respond before he was slipping into darkness.

**☪☪**

“Harry Styles?”

“That’s me.”

“Good, good. How do you feel, Harry?”

“Okay, I suppose.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah.”

“So, I understand that the injury was self-induced?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not sure if I really wouldn’t have done it, but I got startled by someone walking in and accidentally cut myself.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you aware of who it was that walked in on you?”

“No, sir.”

“It was your friend, Zayn. I understand that you and Zayn are close?”

“Yes, we are, sir.”

“Ah. Well, soon after finding you, Zayn went into a paralytic shock.”

“…what?”

“Yes. He’s recovered, but he’s very worried about you. He’s says you’ve been suicidal before. Is that true?”

“…yes, Doctor.”

“Why do you think you were suicidal?”

“…I’m sure you can find that in my file, Doctor.”

“Oh yes, I most easily can, but I want to hear you say it. Can you say it, Harry?”

“I’d rather not, sir.”

“I see. Well, do you know why you almost attempted hurting yourself this time?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell me?”

“No.”

“All right. That’s fine. Is there anything else you’d like to ask?”

“When will I get out of here?”

“It should be a week at the most. Maybe just a few days. We need to make sure you’re properly sewn up and that the cut doesn’t have a major risk of opening up again. If it does, it’s quite possible that you’d bleed to death in just a matter of minutes. You’re very lucky that Zayn found you and knew what to do in that situation.”

“Okay.”

“Anything else?”

“How’s Louis?”

“Louis?”

“Yes.”

“Are you referring to Mr. Tomlinson?”

“Yes.”

“Well, he—has he told you his condition?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well, he’s doing quite well for someone who has a brain tumor. He has at least a few months left. Although, he checked in not too long ago, complaining about headaches, which are going to, sadly, become much more common now that his time’s running out. Are you particularly close to him?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Oh, well. I’m sorry then. I hope you get to enjoy as much time as you can with him.”

“Y-yeah, uhm, yeah, me too.”

“Okay. Well, Mr. Styles, if that’s all, I need to go check on another patient.”

“Okay. Have a good day, Doctor.”

“And to you too, Mr. Styles.”

**☪☪**

It’s outstanding, Harry thinks, how quickly you can feel the blood rush to your head and the stars wither away. He gets out of the hospital six days later and after arriving back at the place he wished he didn’t have to be, he realizes once again, just what he is losing.

It’s not like what he learned. He didn’t learn about love or spontaneity and what that’s all supposed to mean. He learned about hurt and pain and cruel and unfair and crying and loss and what’s it like to want to kill yourself as soon as you wake up.

He didn’t ever learn what he was supposed to do when he’s greeted with a relieved smile and a hesitant, but quick hug from a boy who’s supposedly going to die very very soon. He didn’t learn how to deal with a best friend who’s literally on the cusp of the horizon, staring down at his long lost love without a single care in the world. He didn’t learn any of that. He was never supposed to learn any of that, but here he is, drinking in Louis’ happy tears and Zayn’s “welcome back, mate” glances.

Here he is.

And he’s never felt more unprepared. 

**☪☪**

Harry wakes up to Louis nibbling on his ear, giggling softly, his warm breath caressing his skin like melted caramel.

Until it’s not like that anymore.

Louis jumps off of him and rolls onto the ground, immediately throwing up the meals he hasn’t been eating. Harry’s right there, patting him on his back, telling him how it’s all going to just fine, how’s it’s probably just a stomach bug, and Louis just keeps heaving out the contents of his body, shaking his head and crying ever so softly. Ever so “I’m not quite here, right now, Haz”. Ever so everything that Harry Styles doesn’t want to believe.

Louis passes out on the floor, right next to his own vomit, and Harry just starts to cry.

**☪☪**

“He’s dying, Z,” Harry says, knowing that Louis’ still sleeping in his bed. Zayn blinks at him a few times.

“Louis?” he asks.

Harry nods. “Yeah.”

“Harry…we’re all dying in here. Louis’ no different.”

Harry shakes his head, clenching his fists tighter together, and meets Zayn’s gaze straight on. “That’s not what I mean. He’s only got months left and—”

“Stop,” Zayn interrupts. “I don’t want to know, Harry. Please don’t tell me anything. Please. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to fookin know, Harry. _Please_.”

Harry can only stare at him, and he doesn’t say a single word.

**☪☪**

“ ‘Arry! ‘Arry, come ‘ere! Please? It’s footie! Come on, now!” Louis’ calling from the football field. Harry glances over at him from where he’s seated on the ground, leaning against a tree, and only shakes his head fondly. It’s rare to see Louis interacting with anybody else, but it seems that recently, Louis’ quite taken with an Irish lad named Niall. He watches Louis pout, but gives in, and returns back to his game. “Don’t even try, Nialler! Tommo will always win, I’m tellin ya!”

Niall gives a loud laugh and tries to sidestep Louis, but Louis is already there, taking the ball from him and rushing down the field to the goal.

“Louis, you better miss, ya prick!”

Harry’s laughing and so is Louis, but as soon as Louis pulls his leg back, aiming to shoot toward the goal, he falls. He falls hard and right on his chest, and Harry’s up and running before Niall can even realize what’s happened.

“Louis? Louis, are you all right?”

Louis’ wheezing, the ball rolling away, and Niall’s there too, concern etched all over his face. Louis mutters something into the ground, but Harry can’t hear it, so he asks him to repeat it.

“I said—I fookin fell! I’ve never fookin fallen during a footie game! Never! Not even when I was young! Me mum can swear ‘er life on it! What the fook?!” Louis shouts, every word getting angrier and every huff becoming less even. Harry’s only seen him like this a few times.

“Louis, calm down, it’s really not that big of a de—”

“Fook off, ‘Arry! What the fook do you know, you fookin idiot?! You don’t know shit! You don’t fookin know me, so stop actin like you do! Stop actin like a kicked puppy all the fookin time and stop breathin down me fookin neck! Just STOP!” he screams, tears pricking at his eyes. Harry can only stare. Niall’s already managed to escape, but Harry can’t even move. Louis stares back up at him, anger flashing in his eyes, and before Harry can try to respond, Louis continues. “There ya go again. Lookin like a stupid, fookin, kicked puppy too weak to fight ‘is own battles. Sometimes, I really fookin ‘ate you, ‘Arry. So much.”

“Loui—”

“ ‘Arry? Fook, baby, I’m sorry. Fook, I need me medicine. Do you ‘ave it. Damn it. Fook. Where are the twins, baby? No, please don’t take ‘em away again. Please don’t. I’m sorry for not telling you, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. Fook. You’re not supposed to know, shit. You don’t know, do ya? Shit, baby, I’m so sorry,” Louis cries, collapsing completely on the ground, shivering violently.

Harry doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to say. He leans down, and sits next to Louis, pulling him up into his arms, and Harry calms his down as best as he can. What is he supposed to fucking do?

**☪☪**

“Harry, I need to talk to you,” Louis says, upon entering Harry’s room that night at nine twenty-four. Harry’s gaze snaps up from his book; he doesn’t even know what’s he’s reading about to be honest.

“Louis?” Harry asks. Louis sighs and comes and sits down next to Harry, the bed dipping as he does. Harry instinctively moves closer. It’s Habit now. He can’t help it.

“Harry, if the moon knew that the stars would stop shining, what do you think it’d do?” Louis suddenly whispers, voice so fragile and vulnerable. To anybody else, the question would sound absolutely mad, but to Harry, who’s talked through nights and nights with Louis, he knows what he’s saying. He knows what he’s finally deciding to tell him, but maybe, just in his own words.

“I think that the moon would want to stop shining too,” Harry finally whispers just as delicately back, and Louis leans in toward him, their bodies just a breath away from each other.

“What if the all of the stars didn’t want the moon to do that? What if the stars wanted the moon to find some way to keep shining?” Louis quavers. Harry shuts his eyes tightly and finally pulls Louis into his grasp, both of them immediately clinging on to the other like a lifeline.

“Louis…how can the moon shine when all of the stars go out?” Harry finally answers, his breath hitching a bit, and Louis just shivers, burying himself even more into Harry.

It’s exactly thirteen minutes later of labored breathing and half-broken sniffs that Louis finally mumbles, “It has to.”

**☪☪**

Patients aren’t allowed outside of the building after curfew, but here Louis and Harry are, on the roof nonetheless.

“See that star? That’s my mum’s favorite one,” Louis explains, happily sighing against Harry’s chest. They’re lying down, the stars somewhat visible in the night sky, and Harry just nods, closing his eyes and breathing in Louis. “Do you have a favorite?”

Harry huffs a laugh. “I don’t even know any of those stars’ names, Louis. What makes you think I have a favorite?”

Louis pouts and leans in, pressing his lips to Harry’s for a short fraction of a second, and Harry goes still. It’s not like they don’t kiss; they do, but they haven’t in so long. They haven’t kissed in so long, afraid of what would happen to them when they no longer can. Louis pulls back and pokes Harry on his nose.

“Come on, Hazza. You have to have a favorite. Which is it?”

Harry rolls his eyes and lazily points to one without even looking at it. “That one.” Louis shoves against him again and crosses his arms.

“Twat,” Louis mutters fondly under his breath and Harry only raises an eyebrow at him.

“Such love,” Harry mumbles, and it’s Louis’ turn to roll his eyes.

“I love you, ya know,” Louis finally admits a few seconds later, and it’s unprepared and Harry definitely wasn’t expecting it. His breath catches in his throat and Louis’ still staring at him, lips pursed and eyes hesitant, and Harry just smiles. He smiles so fucking wide that Louis lets a smile come out too.

Harry leans forward and hugs Louis close, Louis so small and beautiful in his arms. He smells like everything Harry’s ever loved.

“I love you too, fuck, do I love you,” Harry mutters in Louis’ hair, and Louis just laughs loudly, pleased and everything good in the world.

They don’t let go.

**☪☪**

“Is he really dying?” Zayn asks the very next day, just as Louis bounds off to the loo. Harry’s gaze snaps toward him and he purses his lips.

“Yeah.”

Zayn stands up and leaves.

**☪☪**

Louis slowly starts to lose his speaking capability and by now, Harry’s figured out that Louis put himself in this hospital because he didn’t want to die alone. Louis is on his bed, legs open and ready for Harry, but Harry can’t fucking do it. He doesn’t want to do it.

“H-Harry,” Louis stutters, breathing softly. Harry shakes his head and just sits down next to him instead, and Louis just starts crying.

“No no no, baby, no,” Harry whimpers, moving in closer, taking the naked boy in his arms and holding onto him with everything he has. Louis is sobbing into his chest, shaking his head over and over again, and Harry’s heart breaks. “Louis, you’re fine. You’re fine, you’re great, you’re beautiful, I’m so sorry.” Louis’ hair is unwashed and he smells just a bit, but it’s not like Harry particularly cares anymore. Fuck. He doesn’t want this to happen.

Instead, he just holds onto Louis, pressing small kisses all over his face and neck, wiping away his tears because Harry doesn’t ever want to see him cry again.

Unfortunately, you don’t always get what you want.

**☪☪**

Harry broke his chair smashing it against the wall in a fit of anger at how unfair the world is. They detained him and gave him medicine to calm him down, but all he could think about was how Louis is dying Louis is dying Louis is dying Louis is fucking dying don’t they see that please help him oh god.

It’s like all he did was blink and suddenly he’s in his bed, waking up with a blue-eyed beauty sitting next to him.

“Hazza,” Louis whispers, and Harry immediately wraps his arms around him, burying himself in the smaller boy. He wants to become one with him. He wants to completely dissolve into him and never leave him. He doesn’t want Louis to leave.

“Lou,” Harry croaked, pulling him even closer. Louis hugs him just as tightly back.

“Hazza, listen to me. This is my last time. I can just tell. This is the last good day, babe, and I wanted to let you know that before you, my life was dark. Not the kind of cliché dark, but the us kind of cliché dark. But now, babe, it’s so fucking bright all the time, and it’s because of you. Fuck, it’s all because of you, Harry, and I-I just don’t know how to thank you for allowing me to love you. Thank you for letting me love you, Harry. Really,” cries Louis, and Harry sniffles.

“I love you so much, Lou. So fucking much. I love you like the moon loves the sun no matter what happens. We may be crazy, but that’s nothing, you know? It’s nothing because me being crazy got me to you. So, I’d rather be crazy every single day if it meant you’d stay. Fuck. I’m sorry—I’m rambling, damnit, I’m so sorry, babe. I love you so mu—”

Louis’ mouth is warm and insistent against Harry’s.

“Make love to me, Harry Styles,” Louis whispers into Harry. “Let me make love to you.”

Harry pulls him down on the bed with him, and tries his best to stop crying and smile instead. “Of course, Louis Tomlinson. Of course.”

Louis’ grip on Harry just tightens.

Everything is rushed and everything is so slow and everything is happening all at once and when Harry finally manages to push into Louis, he moans softly into Louis’ soft, soft shoulders. They’re both crying, crying from the clock on them and from the love they feel. It doesn’t last long, but it lasts forever, and as Harry shudders in Louis, Louis sobs, grasping onto Harry’s back so hard there’ll be scratches, and when he releases as well, it’s like the sun fucking exploded.

It doesn’t take long to switch places, and as Harry’s slowly stretched out by the boy he loves with every single fiber of his being, he knows he would never want to be anywhere else. He doesn’t want anything to change. He wants to stay here forever, and just let Louis show him everything he can before he’s lost again. Before he’s lost to screams and darkness and pain and everything bad in the world.

Louis and Harry let go at the same time and Louis collapses on him, his breath coming out in warm huffs that tickle the collarbone of Harry’s neck.

It’s looking up into Louis’ eyes that causes Harry to remember that forever doesn’t exist.

He thinks they could create oceans with their tears.

**☪☪**

“I don’t want to lose him, Z,” Harry admits softly in Zayn’s room on Zayn’s bed because Harry doesn’t know how much longer he can keep up appearances. Zayn visibly freezes and turns to face him slowly.

“I know, Haz,” he replies softly. Harry bites his lip and hugs his knees close to his chest.

“What am I supposed to do? Fuck. Wha—I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.” His voice cracks a bit on the last few words, but he does his best to ignore that. Zayn shuts his eyes for a brief second before coming and sitting down next to his best friend.

“I don’t know what to do either, Haz…but I think that’s okay. I think that it’s okay to not know what to do. Just…just be there with him, Harry. Just be there,” Zayn advises. Harry just manages a small nod.

“He’s going out. He’s going out like a star does, and I just don’t want to lose him. Is that selfish, Zaynie? Is it selfish of me to want him to stay here with me?”

Zayn takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “Of course not, H. Of course not. You feel however you want to feel, okay?”

Harry just hugs his knees closer to him.

**☪☪**

Today is a Bad Day. In fact, it’s probably the Worst Day yet. Louis is screaming, the nurses and doctors have had to put him out three times already, and Harry can’t stop crying. They also put him on suicide watch, and Harry’s wondering about all the possibilities in which he could kill himself in this room.

He misses Gemma. He misses his mother. Hell, he even misses his shitty father.

But there’s nothing to miss and sometimes…just sometimes, Harry forgets that. It’s been hours since Louis screamed at him all the bad things he’s been thinking about himself, Harry, and the world around him. It’s been hours of holding his knees on his hard bed with doctors and nurses checking in on him every twenty minutes. It’s been hours and he just wants to hug his mum.

“Mum?” he asks because is that her? No…that can’t be her.

“Hey, baby,” she responds sweetly, and Harry starts to cry even louder. His mum his here to save him from this awful place. Oh fuck, he’s waited so long.

“Why did it take you so long, Mum?” he asks, biting his lip so hard he can taste blood. His mother just continues to observe him from behind the window outside the door. “Mum?” he tries again. No response. Nothing. Not even a blink, and Harry’s so angry. He jumps up and attacks the door, grunting at the impact and screams. “WHY DIDN’T YOU GET ME BEFORE?!” He hears shouting and hurried footsteps but all he can focus on his the emptiness he sees before him. His mother is not there anymore.

Oh no. She’s dead. She’s been dead. So is Gemma. So is his awful father.

They’re all dead, and Harry wishes he could be too.

The door swings open and there’s a nurse, but before Harry can do or say anything, she’s already sticking a needle in him.

Harry’s out like a light.

**☪☪**

Harry hasn’t seen Zayn in days and Louis in a week. They’re keeping Louis detained, saying he’s too harmful to everyone and himself right now. Saying he can barely talk or move or anything, and Harry’s so mad at them for keeping him away. He knows that if he were in Louis’ position, he’d want to see Louis as much as he could. But that’s just Harry. Maybe Louis doesn’t want to see him.

Harry’s in his room, staring at the wall in front of him when he decides to realize that his entire family is dead. They’re dead and there’s…there’s nothing he can do about it. Absolutely nothing. He can just sit here and think about it some more, and it won’t change a goddamned thing.

They’re dead.

They are dead. Gone gone gone gone.

And Harry’s here here here. He’s not dead. He’s not gone. He’s just…here. Not even alive, just here.

He hugs himself and also realizes that he won’t be able to survive when Louis joins his family.

Gone gone gone gone.

**☪☪**

They’re letting him see Louis from now on, and Harry should feel ecstatic, but he doesn’t. Because that allowance means he’s going away soon. It means that soon, Louis won’t be here anymore to share his laughter and starlight with the world. He’ll just be Gone.

“Louis?” Harry asks upon entering his room. Louis is lying in a bed, propped up and Harry draws in a gasp at how devastatingly and horridly beautiful Louis looks. He’s pale, but tan. He’s bright, but dark. He’s hard, but soft. He’s every contrasting thing to exist and Harry loves him so very much.

Louis opens his mouth to say something maybe, but immediately closes it and gives a frown before smiling widely and gurgling a bit. They warned Harry about this. Louis lost his motor reflexes and a lot of his mind.

Harry wants to cry and he wants to die.

Harry walks over to him and purses his lips before deciding to grasp Louis’ hand. It’s warm in his, but in a cold sort of way. Harry decides he doesn’t like it.

“Hey, baby,” Harry breathes out softly. Louis just stares at him, but Harry knows he can understand him when he starts crying. Harry sniffs and just wipes away Louis’ tears. Fuck. He can do better than this. “Look at you, so fucking beautiful. I love you so much, you know?”

Of course Louis doesn’t say anything in response, but Harry smiles like he did, and he supposes that’s good enough.

**☪☪**

Zayn tries committing suicide two days later, but Harry only hears about it as he’s rushed down to Louis’ room. Louis Louis Louis Louis.

All the stars in the universe are crying for Louis right now who’s only fading away and flickering out.

Harry gets to the room quickly and sees Louis, lying there and looking so fucking gone and Harry freezes. No. He didn’t want this to happen. No. No. No. This isn’t fair this isn’t fair this isn’t fucking fair why him. Why them?

Harry trips over to Louis’ bedside and grabs his arms and his torso and his everything and just collapses on him and cries. The last thing he sees and feels of Louis is Louis’ hand weakly grabbing at one of the many strands of Harry’s hair that had caressed his torso. It’s the best and also the worst feeling in the world, and then, without even as much of a whisper more, Louis is gone.

The devastation hit Harry harder than he thought it would.

**☪☪**

One hour, thirty-six minutes, and 58 seconds later, Harry Styles shoots himself in the head with the gun he stole off one of the guards with the whispered name of “Louis” on his lips.

The moon had rejoined it’s star in the universe above.

**☪☪**

_Dear Harry and Louis,_

_It’s been almost three years since what you two went through in that godforsaken hospital. I’ll never forget it._

_Louis, you cannot even imagine the screams Harry gave when you drew your last breath. The entire world heard it, felt it, lived it in their very bones. I can still hear it today. Harry, you’ll never know the absolute heartbreak and horror I felt when I saw the blood drip out of your skull._

_Those days were the worst, and you two only made it worse. I hate you for that, but I’m happy and hopeful that you are finally together again._

_Anyway, I’m writing to tell you that I met someone new. His name isn’t Liam, but he’s getting there. He could be even more important than Liam someday. I’ve told him my situation and he understands. I love him, mates. I really do._

_But that’s beside the point. The point of this letter is to say goodbye. I’ve been holding onto you two for just long enough and I’ve realized that it’s time to say goodbye. We’re adopting two twins. Did you know that? A beautiful boy and a girl. We’re going to name them Harry and Lou. Hopefully, they don’t fall in love with each other because that’d be weird. Maybe we should reconsider that._

_Anyway, I wanted to thank you two for being some of the best friends I had ever had the good fortune of having. Especially you, Harry. You put up with me for years, and I’ll never forget you even if now, I’m finally able to say goodbye. I’ve become an English teacher. I’m not sure if you could tell. It’s a slow process, but it’s a process nonetheless._

_Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if you didn’t have a brain tumor, Lou. Sometimes, I wonder what could have been your lives. Hell, maybe you two were childhood friends who were in love all your lives. Maybe you two were famous and couldn’t tell the world. Maybe you two survived and got to go against the odds placed against you and fought it with vigor. I don’t know. But thank you._

_I love you._

_Goodbye my friends,_

_Zayn_

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts?
> 
> anyway come rant at me on [tumblr](http://iwannapandanamedchubs.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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